just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
