Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Welp...herpes.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize