please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
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So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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