I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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