I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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