did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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