A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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