when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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