Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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