if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
