I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
