theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
