I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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