He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
