so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
