i think my tv is drunk
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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