I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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