so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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