his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
