It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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