I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
