I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
