i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
