it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
