My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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