I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
