I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
