I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
