i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
