why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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