if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
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Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
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I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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