Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
