Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
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He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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