im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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