i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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