Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
