If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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