I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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