I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
