The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
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You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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