So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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