somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
