I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
