Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
