My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
