we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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