If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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