apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
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all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
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U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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