I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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