Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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