OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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