Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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