You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
